My Response to Michael Moore

Michael Moore, who was conspicuously quiet before this election, sent out an email about what he and his liberal buddies were going to do with their "newfound power." It sounds very acceptable to anyone not paying attention for the past 40 years or so.

Here's his letter, with my comments added in italics:

A Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives
November 14th, 2006

To My Conservative Brothers and Sisters,

I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week's election. You're worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place you don't want it to go. Your 12-year Republican Revolution has ended with so much yet to do, so many promises left unfulfilled. You are in a funk, and I understand. (I knew that Moore and his buddies would be as poor winners as they were losers)

Well, cheer up, my friends! Do not despair. I have good news for you. I, and the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democratic Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you because we value you as our fellow Americans. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power -- and, to be specific, what we will do to you and for you. (All this talk of power sounds like the kind of abuses that Moore has railed against for the last 6 years)

Thus, here is our Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives:

Dear Conservatives and Republicans,
I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:

1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us. (But you will call us bigots or racists when we don’t share your liberal beliefs)

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift. (Unless you want to marry multiple women, in which case you will be considered a backwards religious zealot from Utah. Not that I condone polygamy, but if you are going to stay out of the bedroom, then stay out of the bedroom).

3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you. (Unless it means that we get to give your grandchildren’s money to someone else grandchildren because we deem them to be disadvantaged and in need of the government’s help).

4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie. (Which means that we will never fight another war in another country. Instead, we will fight this war on our own soil and watch more sons and daughters die because the threat overseas was allowed to grow. But at least no one was sent to war…)

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too. (When the use of adult stem cells for treatment bears the fruits that embryonic stem cells have not, you can go see a doctor to get treatment, but you will have to wait six months to get an appointment, after which time you will be beyond the point of being treated for your disease)

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water. (On this one, I am all for protecting the environment, I just don’t usually approve of the means to the end).

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you. (By sending the federal government to arrest the evil man in some sort of law enforcement action? Forgive me for my skepticism, but your way of arresting evil men, a la Waco, wasn’t that effective, and that was on U.S. soil)

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived. (As a father and former embryo, I bristle at the idea of killing a baby any time before full term. If you are extending your gracious hand to all Americans, include the most innocent and defenseless as well)

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours. (Nobody wants children harmed in the name of the right to bear arms, but this is the same form of logic that you use to oppose a ban on partial birth abortion. You say that if they ban this form of abortion, what is next? Gun rights people say the same thing about banning assault weapons. Both are brutal and unnecessary but banning them is a step in the wrong direction for their respective sides)

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too. (And both liberal and conservative employees will feel the effects of the layoffs as employers try to perform the same work with fewer employees so that payroll doesn’t actually increase. We also all get to share in the increased cost of goods at home. For the record, I think that the minimum wage is too low and should be raised, but I definitely don’t want to put Francophiles in charge of determining where the appropriate level should be)

11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world. (Really? How about a documentary about the growing influence of fanatic Islam in the U.S.? How about denouncing the subjugation of women in that religion. Point #10 talked about a fair wage for women so please tell me when your film about Islam and Women is coming out).

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition. (You got it! I wholeheartedly agree – cue the Apocalypse – however, I doubt your sentiment. I doubt that the investigative reporting section of the NY Times, the Washington Post, or the LA Times is going to get a lot of work for the next couple of years. It’s probably going to be downright boring there. I suppose they can always continue their probe into the mystery of the Middle America voter in Jesusland)

I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. You are every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans -- and for the rest of the world.

Signed,
Michael Moore
P.S. Please feel free to pass this on. (but only if you include my rebuttals in your forward).